5 Years

What is this lifetime? I do not recognize who I was five short years ago. Time goes by at a rate I do not understand. Sometimes like the speed of lightning and other times like the aging of fine wine. I experience both somedays and pay no attention to time other days. In five years from now will I remember who I am at this moment? Or will I feel like a stranger on the street, just walking by not grasping that they too have a full on life with problems, drama and work?

I deleted social media for maybe a month now. I realized I was no longer traveling for me but to put it on the internet to look cool. My life is not a photo album for others to view. It is a collection of beautiful, spontaneous, chaotic, painful and everything in between moments that I realized I do not need to display unless I want to. I do not want to be famous for traveling the world or the way I look. What I really want to be is at peace. At peace with decisions I made, situations I’ve been in and life in its own eternity. 

I am back in Alberta. I’ve been back for a while now. Somehow working three jobs in which I do not want or need. I’ve been learning new skills. I have been vegetarian for a couple months now. I stopped eating meat because I will enter into oil and gas and my footprint is big enough as it is with just travel, that I decided I can do more and I am currently reducing it without eating meat or fish. I stopped drinking for a month. However, of late I’ve been drinking within moderation to enhance some social situations. I did not shave my legs for a while but then I hated how much I cared when people saw how hairy they were when they would glisten in the sun. 

I am back in Alberta for a year. To finish school. One school year or seven months. Will I survive seven months in this truckstop town? In the last five years I went somewhere every four months, with the exception of the year I graduated, it was six months. Every trip in that time period has been self funded. Sadly my parents are not rich but because of that I have learned to work, save, invest and reinvest to my memory bank. I know the value of a dollar. In those five years I bought a vehicle and paid it off in a year. I have paid for my education without taking out a loan or the help of anyone. I have backpacked solo to over thirty countries and in just the last eight months I have visited three of the seven World Wonders. In those five years I fell deeply in love twice. The first time was with the military man (who I last saw in March, in Brazil) and the second time was with myself. I am glad to say I am no longer in love with the military man but still love every part of me, even the parts I want to change, my flaws and the parts that get me into trouble.

In the last five years I have been raped, started and overcame eating disorders, manipulated, drugged, stalked, possibly kidnapped*, taken advantage of, robbed, bribed cops, death in the family and most recently my dad is dealing with an illness Alzheimers. However, I am not saying that to make you feel bad for me. I don't want anyone's sympathy. I am saying this for you to understand my life is anything but perfect. With everything bad that has happened in the last five years I have experienced three times as much good. I slept overnight on an exploding volcano, climbed the tallest mountain in North Africa, visited a elephant sanctuary in Thailand, met a stranger in Cambodia and 24 hours later flew to his cabin in Winnipeg and spent two weeks quartining together, I partied with the elite celebrities in Italy and Paris, walked in over ten high fashion runways, saw humpback whales in Central America, hiked the rice fields in Vietnam, had some of the craziest sex with some of the craziest people, went to the most dangerous country in the world alone and hitchhiked (El Salvador according to google), bungee jumped in Costa Rica, went on a couple of yachts in Mexico, went to the insanely colourful Batu caves in Maylaysia, rented a motorhome with 4 random strangers in Spain and went down the coast, I could go on but I think you get the point. Needless to say I have lost myself, found myself and lost myself again. I know what I like, what I don’t like. I know how to say no, to stick up for myself during injustices. I am healed and healing. I am aware of who I am but not afraid. I allow myself to think, to cry, to smile, to scream but most importantly to feel. I have lived so much life for a 21-year-old. 

The good and the bad of my life I went through alone. I am not afraid to leave people if they are negatively affecting my life, on the opposite end is maybe I am too hard on people. I am scared of commitment, but who isn’t. Plus I do not want to marry anyone anytime soon, so I have a hard time justifying a relationship. I am wildly independent, it makes me stubborn at some points, but I do need to prove to myself I can do it. I love being uncomfortable, to push my envelope. It reminds me I am capable of doing anything I want to do.

The part of me who I like the most. The wild child that wears no makeup, bra or shoes, feels like she's slipping away from me the older I become. I feel the social pressure of getting an education, career, boyfriend and house. I am terrified to not travel for eight months or more. Scared to lose myself, my confidence, my ability to not care, my spontaneity. I know this is the right move for my family. The guilt I carried with my dad being sick while I am living my best life on the other side of the earth was starting to affect what I love the most. I know it's good to have a plan B or whatever they call it, but having just a plan A is more fun. Plan A was to make enough money and leave. Why do I always want to leave?

I talked to a guy last night. His actual name is Max. We met in Morocco. He annoyed me at first. For a couple reasons. Number one being he is French, and honestly fuck the French. Just kidding. Wink wink, nudge nudge. If you travel you know why I say fuck the French. If you do not then I look like an asshole and so be it. But anyway Max is from Montreal. The two of us spent a month together, seeing each other everyday. When you travel with a stranger you just met in a hostel it is very intense. You are basically roommates, bestfriends, adventure buddies and everything in between. I have had my fair share of travel romances. They are the best. You deep dive into someone's life. Experience new cultures, cuisense, languages, you learn about where they come from, their life problems, you meet the best version of them, while you are at your peak relaxation. Plus you have nothing to do all day but explore amazing places while exploring each other. Hopefully they have a romantic accent, but at the end of the day there is no pressure and you walk away from each other. Anyway it wasn’t till around day 21 ish with Max, that I actually started to fall for him. It took another four days of contemplating my feelings for him before I made a move. (I have no problem making the first move. Guys find me intimidating so I will happily ask someone out.) The last 5 days with Max were a fever dream. 

Anyway this is a story within a story. On this phone call I was completely honest. I told him it made me sad to talk to him. Sad because I can not be the girl he met. Sad because we were supposed to be in Alaska right now, together. Sad because we were going to buy a van in Argentina and be hippies in another continent. Sad because that does not even feel possible right now. I cannot be with him and I am stuck in a town where I have to settle for less than I deserve. Plus no one has fun stories that do not involve heavily drinking and doing something stupid. So yes I am sad to talk to Max. I have no idea what I am going to do for the school year. After everything I have done in the last 5 years, being stuck here scares me possibly the most.

Why put this on the internet? I myself do not know. I hate having secrets, internal conflicts or drama. Something about letting the world know how I feel makes myself more okay with it. I am not hiding who I am, my past or what I want from the future. I hope you can take a piece of something I said and use it in your life. Life doesn’t always get better, at least not for everyone, for me I realized I didn’t want to be like everyone else, so I went out and found who I was. Will I ever know 100% who I want to be or am? No. It is unrealistic. However, I do know that I will always be okay no matter what this lifetime decides to put me through. I will always come out smiling.

Anyway this is all you get for a while. I am going to continue to be confused in solitude. If you need me you probably already have my number. If you see me over the next couple weeks, say hi, I do not bite. Until next time.