Boys

I love men. I also deeply hate men. Yes not all men are the same. Yes some men are. I once hated men so much I convinced myself I was gay. I walked around work telling everyone for about a week. Until my coworker told me I was bored and just hated men. It took the next couple days to let it fully sink in. I am not gay for the reasons I love men. I wish I was gay for the reasons I hate men.

Why do I hate men? Being a waitress I am always catering to who I am serving. In my town it is mostly men. Very rich, white, entitled men. If they want something, they will get it. If you say no, it’s treated like a game until you compromise or they just do it anyway. No woman has ever hurt me to the extremes a man has. Yes women are petty, back stabbing, gossip freaks (so are a huge population of men) but words don’t affect me. Actions do. Men act. Women speak. (Generalizing here).

Once a girl tried to fight me in a bar when I was 18. I turned around and walked away, while my coworkers dealt with her. I got in a fight with a man, instead of driving me to my house, he took me to his. When I said no, can you guess what he said? After he drank a bottle of wine while I just sat there, I got up to leave. He followed me saying he’d drive me home for real this time. When I hit him (first) he hit me right back. When a 18-19 year-old girl hits a 42 year-old man it doesn’t feel the same. Two more smacks later I was walking home at 5 am crying. Men vs. Women.

You know I was fine for the most part. Physically I was good. Mentally I was damaged. That weekend I took off to Edmonton to get out of town. (Running away from my problems per usual) The first people I told didn’t believe me. How could David a regular do that? How could Cookie the bar manager approve him to take me home by giving him my keys. His reputation didn’t change but a year later on halloween I went out and drank a little bit to much cherry whiskey. For the first and only time in my life I was a savage drunk. Screaming at David and Colin (my stalker in the other story) in front of everyone. They are friends and honestly it was ‘a lot’ seeing them both together. It felt as if they were taunting me. Like haha I can do whatever I want and you are nothing. You know who’s reputation changed? Mine.

So yes I hate men. Yes they suck. Yes they are entitled.

Remember that story I wrote on my ex. Saying he’s anyones Prince Charming? Ya that one. We met in Brazil. This year in March. Surprise. Ya he sucks. I don’t know what changed him. The military, COVID, his deployment, our breakup? He felt like a stranger. Our last night together he kicked me out of our Airbnb so he could hookup with chicks he met at the club. I headed to the airport 8 hours early.

Maybe it’s me. I am the problem. How could someone experience such bad luck? The first guy that taught me that not all guys were bad, stood me up in Austria 2 years later. So are all guys bad? Am I the bad one?

I love men. The way they hold me. Make me feel small. How we roll around in bed laughing, cuddling, smiling. How we make each other feel special, secure and start building homes in each other. I love holding hands and getting a quick smooch. Sharing memories but in a way you can’t do with your friends. I love the feeling when they look at you, wanting you, puppy dog eyes. Men are the best.

And the worst. But I guess that’s life. Highs and lows. I want a good man, the question is am I ready for one?