Shrinking at the Seams Part 2
It is recommended that you read part 1 as this may not make sense. This post includes Women’s Fashion Week and overcoming my eating disorder.
Italy, 2018
Landing in Milan the second time was a bit different. When I was taking my exams I ate a little bit more, worked out a little bit less. My hips had grown an inch and a half. The agencies were not very impressed with me. I had one week to get back into shape before most of the castings started. I had multiple gym memberships because I was modelling. I ate one meal of vegetables a day with a side of ketchup. It was typically later at night so I could go to bed with a full stomach. For wrestlers to make weight they do not drink water, I took a very similar approach. In just 6 days I had gone down to a size the agency approved of.
There was a law put in place that involved having girls in Fashion Week getting consent from a doctor that they are healthy. When I went to my appointment I was excited, I thought he would request for me to consume more food. I went into the doctor’s office and he signed a letter, collected his 50 euros, and I left.
Women’s Fashion Week was a lot more intense than Men’s. I went to around 50 castings. A lot of hurry up and wait. After fashion week, I got a 1-kilogram bag of chocolate and hid it under my pillow. I ate all the chocolate in two days. I was going to the club frequently at this point, but never getting too intoxicated. I flew back to Toronto and went ‘crazy’. I would hide my eating from my sister. I would stand in front of the fridge and eat a little bit of everything. I would go to the bulk barn and get whatever I wanted and hide it in my room. I was slowly regaining some of the fat that I had lost. I did one last show in Toronto and a couple more photoshoots before my career was over.
Giambattista Valli / 2017
By the end of my grade 11 year in high school it was decided that I would go back to Alberta for the summer. I reconnected with friends and started going to parties every weekend. In my small town, there was not much to do. The nearest larger city is a 5-hour drive away. After the first month of the summer, I knew I did not want the stress of being a model. I ultimately decided I was not going to Ontario for my grade 12 school year.
I slowly stopped hiding food in my room. For the following year, I would look at food and I would only see a caloric value. I would shower with my lights off because I did not like myself naked. I did not want to play volleyball again for many different reasons, one being that I did not want to regrow my hips. It took a long time to overcome some issues.
I currently have this moto I use with myself. “If I wake up in the morning and I do not like the way I look then I either can change it by eating a more restrictive and going to the gym, or I can accept myself as who I am.” This moto has helped me through my issues. I currently love my body for all it allows me to do. I now view my body as one of the least interesting things about me. It is my mind that I spend most of my time working on. Constantly learning, pushing myself to the limits, leaving my comfort zone, etc. My relationship with my body will never be perfect however, it is so close.
My entire modelling career I lost my period. It has only been in the last year where it has been completely back to normal. While travelling I have no diet. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it and have no regrets. At home, I try to eat as ‘clean’ as I can to make up for when I travel. Gyms no longer interest me. After forcing myself to go to gyms while being in a caloric deficit countless times has mentally turned me off gyms.
I am happy that I got the opportunity to model. I am glad to have experienced the fashion industry at a young age. I will never have to wonder what the entertainment industry is like because I have first- hand experience. Modelling taught me a lot about myself and other people. It showed me I was capable of being alone on the other side of the world. I learned how to overcome countless obstacles. Modelling as toxic as it is, is something I could see myself doing again in the future, just in a more healthy way.
Italy, 2018