First Love

In this post I talk about my first love, his deployment with the Military and our breakup.

Toronto / 2017

My first night moving to Ottawa I did mushrooms. It was my second time doing them. My friend and I took them at my apartment. All night we were talking and bursting out laughing. We did not understand each other’s way of living, in an attempt to figure it out we took turns asking each other questions. Something she asked me was why I never had a boyfriend. I remember vividly lifting my fist in the air and saying this is me. I am so strong and independent, why would I settle right now in my life?

I was 19-years-old. It was not like boys didn't try to date me, but I knew if I got into a relationship with anyone in my hometown I would be starting a relationship that would eventually hold me back from my goals. I moved to Ottawa with no sense of direction. It was the beginning of the pandemic and I just needed a change in my life. I knew no one other than my roommate, I had no job and no clue what I was doing long term. All I understood from the situation is that I was starting over, it was better to do it at a young age than to wait until I was older.

I did not work for my first month there. I had been working two jobs in Alberta and I had savings that allowed me to just relax and settle into my new city. This left me with a lot of free time. I downloaded tinder as a hobby. The first day that I downloaded it I swiped on Ashton. Ashton and I had maybe a 20-minute conversation before planning to go hiking the following day. I was a bit nervous. It was normal for me to do something spontaneous with a stranger with little planning.

We met up in the parking lot of a grocery store. I hopped in his car and we drove out to a nice waterfall hike, in Quebec. It was a hard hike and I remember having to ask to stop to catch my breath. We had many interesting conversations and I remember drilling him with a lot of questions. After the hike when we were driving back we made plans for the next day. In the parking lot, we shared an awkward kiss and parted ways.

The following day we went to a beach. I brought the food while Ashton brought the drinks. The day was filled with frisbee, swimming, shotgunning teas and great conversation. I was a little tipsy when I suggested we meet in Ottawa that same night for drinks. A couple of hours later we were acting as hooligans roaming the streets, stopping in different bars for tequila shots and dancing around parliament. It was a fantastic night. Due to alcohol consumption, Ashton could not drive home and due to the fact he was staying in Quebec with his mom and the Uber ride was pricy.

In the morning I tried to kick out Ashton. I am not a morning person in any way of the term and that mixed with the fact that I had a roommate who was doing online school, not a winning combo. As nicely as I could I suggested that he left, but somehow he convinced me that he should stay for coffee. After coffee, we drove to Moonies Bay (it is a park in Ottawa.) I saw him every day for the following week. By Friday my roommate and I were going to Ashton’s friend’s house. By Saturday his friends were staying over at our apartment.

Ashton is a Civil and Mechanical Engineer for the Canadian Military. He speaks 4 languages. He is half Polish. He completes Iron Man races, along with 5k - 20k. He is the top 5% fittest in the army, yet he is not infantry. He has solo backpacked and has been to over 30 countries. He is airborne (meaning he can skydive solo). He is also the youngest person in Canada in his position meaning he has been promoted enough times to get to his current rank. He has an open mind and a funny sense of humour. He is the life of the party and makes sure everyone is having a good time. I could go on but I do not think it is necessary. He is anyone’s dream guy.

He lives in an army town located 1.5 hours from Ottawa. I took a trip to the town our second week of hanging out. It reminded me of Grande Prairie in the sense that it was a small town and everyone living there was in the same industry. Ashton showed me around the base. It was very interesting and I loved how he took the time to help me understand his lifestyle. I became more obsessed with him. The next few weeks were a fairytale. I wrote him a love letter and mailed it to his house. Unfortunately, there was a death in my family and I had to leave for 2 weeks.

Army town// 2020

The whole time I was away from Ottawa I missed Ashton. He ended up getting my letter, but told me although he did not love me he was in the process of getting there. Within a month of doing mushrooms with my friend and telling her I was not going to date anyone for a couple more years, I was now in every way of the term in love. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week later.

I would lie if I said those months we spent together were perfect. They were not. He had broken up with me because he was set to deploy to Ukraine in a few weeks and he did not want to have the stress of a girlfriend. If someone is going to break up with me I accept it, I am not the type of person that will ask them to change their mind, I accepted my fate and let it be. Additionally, I do not want someone in my life who does not want me in theirs. The same day he ended things with me he broke into my apartment apologizing and wanting me to take him back. It took me a full three days to accept him as my boyfriend again. There was also a bit of an issue when this girl he had slept with back in high school owned a bar. I was aware of the situation and more than okay with it, as we all have a past. We went to the bar often and I had met her on multiple occasions. He would also go with his friends and that was okay as well. The problem came into play when the girl drugged him one night, I was not there, and she took him to someone’s house, that still was not the issue. The issue was after that incident he still went to the bar. I believe in a relationship the other person can make their own decisions of who they surround themselves with but if you willingly choose to hang out with people who drug you, I am less okay with that. If roles were reversed I do not think he would let me go. However, those were the only two problems and even then, both had logical reasoning behind them.

When he deployed it was heartbreaking. I was very proud of him because he was going to excel in his career. However, after time, he was so busy with a boss that would run him ragged that we would only speak once a week. We had an 8 hour time difference. I moved back to Alberta when Ontario decided to lock down everything. I was working in Alberta for 2 months before they shut down everything. I do not like my movements restricted, I headed for Costa Rica in mid-December of 2020.

Costa Rica is when everything slowly fell apart. I was attending online schooling, going to the beach every day and partying at night. Ashton supported around 200 troops of the military, which means 200 people worked for him. At 24 it is very impressive, however, this means if anyone had a problem he had to solve it. There were a list bigger than the Eiffel Tower of problems that he had to deal with. Time spent talking together was not the same. I also had in the back of my mind that when we both got back to Canada the long distance would continue because of my school’s location.

I decided to break up with him on February 2nd, 2021. To this day it is the hardest decision I have ever made. He told me before he deployed if I wanted to break up with him do it before he came back, so that is what I did. I swear in some sense it hurt me more than it hurt him. Watching someone’s heartbreak, who I was still in love with, was horrible. Ashton is one of the best guys I know and I am sure it will remain that way for the rest of my life.

For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me. I had someone in my life who loved me unconditionally, who was successful, motivated, very sexy and a good person, yet I chose to break up with him. Why? because I put myself first. I felt like a fraud. That I had just ruined the best opportunity that I will ever get in a man. In some ways, I still feel like that. I am young. I want to accomplish all my goals and although I can do that with Ashton, his one downfall is the military. The military is like a ball and chain in a relationship. You cannot live where you want, travel when you want, have the life that you want and I think the reason he succeeds at his job is that he is not a typical military man (at least not the ones I know).

I will always have a love for Ashton. Answer his calls, be his shoulder to cry on and be a travel companion, if that is what he wants. In some ways, he was the best thing that happened to me. We supported each other, uplifted one another and tried to make the other the best we could be. Right person wrong time?

I had called my friend Mike to help get me through my pain. I asked for advice on how he got through his relationship. I told him the right person, wrong time, and he responded with:

“I thought that too about my last girlfriend. We were so good together. The person that I am with now, changed my mind about that. Maybe she was not the right person for me, nor I for her.”

I think my right person is still out there. If fate has it maybe Ashton and I will end up back together. If not, my right person may stumble along without even knowing it. Until then, I am happily single, wildly independent and motivated as ever. If you are going through a breakup with someone, maybe it is just the beginning of a new you.

Mike and I // 2020 (his story is coming soon)

Obviously, there is a lot more to a 6-month relationship. However id does not belong on the internet. I want to write a book one day. All the dirty details will be in the book.

Sorry I did not post on Thursday. I wrote a whole story then it was deleted because of bad wifi. I had no motivation to rewrite it because these posts take around 2 hours to create. I am currently in the beautiful city of Cartagena, Colombia. Life is sunny. Adios amigo. xx